After The Magic Ends

So it is over. The opening of presents, the singing of Christmas carols, the drinking of egg nog, the laughter of family, and the magic of Christmas. It has all come to an end as it does at the end of every year. It makes you feel a bit empty doesn’t it? You spend November and most of December laughing and preparing for the exciting day, only to have it end suddenly at 12:00am on December 26th, leaving an empty space there. Well, maybe not, if you are still surrounded by the positive energy from family. Otherwise, it doesn’t feel like anything. I think I have gone to many Christmas’s not feeling the excitement I once felt as a child. Now I am excited up until Christmas, and then on the day, it vanishes. Maybe someday the excitement will return. Not to dampen the holidays, but it does end so quickly. Now, one must prepare for the new year and hope things will remain good, or if not, become better as the new year arrives. Merry Christmas.



See Me

See Me

Do you see me?

Do you really see me,

when I am sitting in the dark,

alone in the backseat of the car,

highest row back in the movie theater,

the girl farthest back in the screaming crowd.

Do you see me?

Can you see me,

begging to be found,

wanting to take a stand,

someone to take my hand,

but trapped in the lonely darkness,

which is me.

Can you see me?

I want you to see me.







A Glimmer of Hope Continued

Here is the rest of the story I posted a couple days ago. Please enjoy!

A Glimmer of Hope: Continued

            I think back to a few days before I boarded the plane to London. David had invited me out to dinner at our favorite restaurant, Ruby Tuesdays. The night was going so perfect; we had gone to a Jazz club to dance and were getting some dinner before heading home. I was wearing my favorite black spaghetti strap dress with my sparkly black heels. David was wearing his black dress pants with a white button down shirt and a black tie. I had never seen him so dressed up for a simple date, so I began to wonder if something was going on. Still, we were having a great time, chatting about the Jazz club and enjoying fine chicken salads. Never did I expect what was coming next. When David pulled out that sparkling silver ring, I nearly choked on my glass of water. Such a shame I didn’t have that water now.

            “Terra Herrens, will you marry me?” He looked at me with those sky blue eyes, and that smile of his that always melted my heart. I glanced at him and then at the ring. I wanted to say yes, I should have said yes. But my anxiety took over. My face heated up and my palms began to sweat. For some reason, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I sipped some water from my glass then took a deep breath.

             “I can’t.” Those were the words that came out of my mouth. I don’t understand what happened. It wasn’t as if I had not seen David’s proposal coming. We had been dating for five years and living together for three. He had become a big part of Susie’s and my life. Our father had left a few years after Susie was born, so she never knew him. And if that wasn’t enough, our mother had passed away only four years ago in a car crash. Having no other family to take her, I was all Susie had. Until David. He had found a place in Susie’s and my heart that had been empty for so long. Only now it seemed that was gone. I have never seen David look as hurt as he did at that moment. I couldn’t bear to look at him. I leapt out of my chair and hurried out of the restaurant. My cheeks became wet with tears, as I broke into sobs. This I couldn’t understand. Why was I crying when I had just hurt the man I loved?  I close my eyes tightly as raindrops start to fall softly on my face. Sleep was what I needed. Only it seemed impossible.

             *                                    *                                     *

             The wind was growing quicker, blowing my hair about. I hug myself tightly, trying to desperately to stay warm. It seems a lost cause. The waves were growing in size, something I had hoped would not happen. Each one grew higher and faster, causing the raft to fill with water. For the past few days I had tried to make myself feel numb, but I couldn’t hide my fear. I wanted to live, but I didn’t think I would make it. I saw something that made my heart stop. A gigantic wave had just formed and was racing toward me. It was over twenty feet in size, and there was no way around it. I had no time to think. The wave hit me at full force and drew me deep under water. As I was pulled under, I started to wonder if this was it. Was I going to die here? I felt myself move upwards. My life vest. I had forgotten all about it. I swam to the surface gasping for breath. “If I could just find the raft,” I thought, but it was gone. I paddled through the water searching for it, but the raft was nowhere in sight. I was truly left out in the open. I was soaked in the icy sea water, as rain beat heavily against my head. The water continued to pass over me, trying to pull me under, but I stayed above. There I stayed floating along in the storm. Floating along and wishing that I would wake up and it would all be a dream.

             *                               *                                *                                 

             Time passed as I floated along in the ocean. The chill of the water filled inside me and I shivered fiercely, with my teeth chattering loudly. I was so cold, my body was numb. If a shark came along and took a bite of my limbs, I wouldn’t feel the slightest thing. Maybe I was getting hypothermia. The waves gently hit against my face; the storm clouds still lingering overhead. I closed my eyes. So this was the end. I would continue floating along until I slowly froze to death, all alone, somewhere in the ocean. I only wish I could have seen their faces again, both Susie and David. I wish I could hold Susie and tell her that everything was going to be okay, but I couldn’t. And I wish I could tell David I was wrong. I should have said yes to his proposal. I loved him so much, and now I would never be able to tell him.

                I opened my eyes one more time, and then gasped. Up ahead, I saw something that made my heart leap. I saw, the tall silhouettes of skyscraper buildings, and the sandy bank of a shore. I thought I was dreaming. I closed my eyes many more times and opened them again, expecting it all to disappear. It didn’t. I had found land. There came a roaring sound from somewhere nearby. I looked over and saw a man riding in a speed boat. He was heading straight for me. From his bright orange vest with yellow stripes, I could tell he was a safety guard.

                “Hey!” he called out. “You shouldn’t be out in this weather!” He stopped beside me, looking very surprised.

                “Do you need help?” he asked. I shook my head in what I hoped was a nod. He then reached over and pulled me into his boat. I could barely move my body, but I managed to get inside. The man covered me with a blanket that was lying nearby.

                “Ma’am! What happened?” he asked. I tried to open my mouth and say something, but nothing came out. I hadn’t spoken in quite a while and it seemed that my vocal cords had stopped working. The man seemed to notice.

                “Its okay,” he said kindly. “We’ll get you to a hospital.”

                 I smiled, but not just because of his kind words. I was so exhausted, but so extremely happy. I felt like I had just conquered some sort of life test. Soon, I would be seeing Susie and David again. Soon, I would have their faces smiling upon me. I was given a second chance. So, I told myself that I was going to live it to its fullest, and do everything I have dreamed of doing. Starting with giving Susie an endless hug, and if he will still have me, marrying the man of my dreams, David.

“It yet remains to be seen.”

-Emily Dickinson “My Life Closed Twice At the Close”



Thoughts in the night


At times I find myself emotionally drained, like someone has sucked the life out of me. All the happiness and excitement has been slowly emptied from my system as the minutes pass by slowly. Afterwards, I must find ways and means to pump the joy back into myself, only waiting for another moment when I will loss all my happiness again. It is a stressful and painful process and I find myself wondering if it will ever end. If the cycle will ever be broken. If the disappointment will ever permanently fade away into joy. Now, I suppose all I can do is to keep moving forward, forward to the day what will finally look better than yesterday.



December Is Here


Thanksgiving is now over, but there is still Christmas to look forward to. My favorite season of the year. Twinkling Christmas lights, spiced Egg Nog, Christmas songs on Warm 106.9 and hopefully soon, some fallen snow. Ah yes, so much excitement ahead.

I have decided to post one of my short stories. Below is the first part of my short story. I will the rest during the week. The story is called: “A Glimmer of Hope.” It is a story I wrote in one of Creative Writing classes. Please enjoy!

A Glimmer of Hope

“My life closed twice before its close:

It yet remains to be seen.”

-Emily Dickinson “My Life closed twice before its close”

“I promise I’ll be home very soon.” Those were the last words I said to them, over the phone,

before I boarded the plane; my sweet little sister Susie and my beloved boyfriend David. It was

only suppose to be an 8 hour flight; from London to New York. I had been away on business,

and now was returning back to the states. Just a few more hours and I would be running into

David’s strong, warm arms, and snuggling Susie. I had become Susie’s guardian after our mother

passed away from a car crash. She would have been put into my father’s care, but no one knows

where he went, after he left our family years long ago. But Susie and I didn’t care. I had been

taking care of her for 4 years and was pretty good at it. Susie knew she would always have me

there for her. I loved her so much. Only now, I will never be able to tell her again. No one was

expecting the massive storm that had approached suddenly, and no one was expecting the plane

to be struck. The whole dive down toward the sea, I kept thinking to myself, “Why me? Why is

this happening to me?”

 I find myself still asking that, as I lay helplessly on this raft; floating somewhere in the

middle of the Atlantic Ocean. All I have is this raft, and the life vest I’m wearing, to hold me.

I’ve been floating for days or maybe even weeks. No help has come, but why would they? I was

the only survivor, and by now I have floated miles away, from where the plane went under. I still

don’t know how I did it. Breaking through the plane door and swimming to the surface. But did

that really do me any good? Maybe I would have been better off drowning, because now, I am

probably going to die of hunger or thirst. That is if a shark doesn’t eat me first. The waves push

me along, growing slightly rougher each time they pass. In the distance, I can see dark clouds

beginning to form. Another storm is coming, and this time I fear I may not live through it.

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